When a therapist is listening to a patient tell a story, he is listening uniquely in order to identify the story’s theme and wondering what traumatic story is being re-told that echoes an earlier traumatic circumstance. The therapist is also wondering when he will become the pronoun in the story, and knowing when he does, it will allow for a deepening conversation which utilizes the concept of “triangular listening”.
For example, a patient told me a story about how his boss was untrustworthy and unfairly treating him. He felt his boss was “only interested in profit” and was disregarding his unique needs and was leaving him feeling unrecognized and unappreciated. Upon listening to this story I was thinking two things: first, if you change the pronoun in the story and replace “the boss” with “the therapist” that the patient in all likelihood has hidden feelings of being taken advantage of by me, and he feels I am under-appreciating him and somehow at risk for taking advantage of him. Second, I am wondering about how “the boss” pronoun could be substituted with “my father” (for example) and he may be telling me a story about an original traumatic wound in which he felt marginalized and underappreciated by his father whom he felt was untrustworthy and self-interested.
In making this connection between the current story of the patient, his hidden feelings toward the therapist, and his father I am making a therapeutic triangle in my mind between the present experience (the boss), the past original trauma (the father), and the patient’s experience of me (the transference).
What I often do in this circumstance is I attempt to understand the connection between the three so that the patient decreases his conviction about the significance of the boss, and broadens his perspective to understand that he may be experiencing me in that same way and having a hard time saying that directly. If the patient accepts this premise, then we can begin to search and become curious together about what the significance of the story is in terms of his early experience. The patient often makes the connection at that point to his early experience so that he can identify the connection between latent feeling about his relationship with his father and the way that those unresolved feeling mirror themselves and color the way in which he experiences other significant relationships in his life.
It doesn’t mean that his boss is or is not self-interested, etc. and I make no attempt to challenge the reality of the way in which he experiences him. I simply ask the question (without directly asking) “why is this story significant?” and “why is this particular experience so meaningful that it has come to mind again and again in therapy?” When this triangular connection is shaped by the therapist, the patient is more likely to heal from the original wound, and less prone to shape his current experiences in ways that repeat old pain.
